i am switching to a new site!!! check out some projects and blog space…
health + illness take 2!
just take it
but i don’t want to
just take it. 2 months. give it a try. i’m writing you a prescription anyways.
zoloft:sertaline hydrochloride
selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor
(1S-cis)-4-(3,4-dichlorophenyl)-1,2,3,4-tetrahydro-N-methly-1-naphthalenamine hydrochloride)
C17H17NCl2-HCl
dibasic calcium phosphate dyhydrate, D & C Yellow #10 aluminum lake (in 25 mg tablet), FD&C Blue #1 aluminum lake (in 25 mg tablet), FD&C Red #40 aluminum lake (in 25 mg tablet), FD&C Blue #2 aluminum lake (in 50 mg tablet), hydroxypropyl cellulose, hypromellose, magnesium stearate, microcrystalline cellulose, polyethylene glycol, polysorbate 80, sodium starch glycolate, synthetic yellow iron oxide (in 100 mg tablet), titanium dioxide.
i found this image in the newest issue of the New Yorker yesterday
who are these characters, and what are the universal themes to which they can’t connect? their bodies are “different” than the “normals” (Erving Goffman, Stigma: Notes on the Management of Spoiled Identity), so how do their bodies allow or dis-allow them to connect to the themes they speak of?
It reminds me of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus (The 1818 Text):
“As I read, however, I applied much personally to my own feelings and condition. I found myself similar, yet at the same time strangely unlike the beings concerning whom I read, and to whose conversation I was a listener. I sympathized with, and partly understood them, but I was unformed in mind; I was dependent on none, and related to none. ‘The path of my departure was free;’ and there was none to lament my annihihilation [sic]. My person was hideous, and my stature gigantic: what did this mean? Who was I? What was I? Whence did I come? What was my destination? These questions continually recurred, but I was unable to resolve them” (124).
What role do bodily differences play in belonging and the ability to relate to “universal themes” shared by many, the “normals”?
one of my rheumatologists is hard to get a hold of. i never get to talk to him. i need more steroids and anti-malarials (methylprednisolone and hydroxychloroquine). he needed to call them in to the pharmacy. i needed to get them, so i could take them in the morning. my steroid. my morning engagement.
his office didn’t get it to me in time. i went the morning without it.
i picked up my steroid. actually, my brother did for me. apparently, the pharmacy had tried calling me twice. i noticed the missed calls on my phone from a number i didn’t recognize. it didn’t leave a message, twice.
i finally received a call from the pharmacy. an electronic voice told me i had 24 hours to pick up my drugs before they went back on the shelf. since i was out, i asked my brother to do it for me. i couldn’t risk another morning without my steroid.
i’m not supposed to take my steroid everyday now. i’m supposed to alternate the days when i take it. i’ve been trying to get off it for almost a year now. the process is extremely slow. 40 mg, then 36, 32, 28, 24, 20, 16, 12, 8, 4, 2, 0, 2, 0, 2 - each gradation separated by a month or so.
we have been trying to see less and less of each other - gradually cutting each other off.
but, it’s still there - my steroid. i go a day without it and i feel bad. i don’t know if it’s physical or mental anymore. i’m told that it could be either.
starting top left and working clockwise:
oatmeal with 1/2 an apple, 4 strawberries, and a handful of raisins
coffee with soy milk
water
leftover egg caserole
pile of pills - starting top left and working clockwise:
Xanax (alprazolam) 0.25mg
Plaquenil (hydroxychloroquine) 200mg
Medrol (methylprednisolone) 2mg
Vitamin B Super Complex
Multi-Vitamin made with whole food
Aspirin 81mg
Calcium, Magnesium, Zinc, Vitamin D
amitriptyline 10mg
mmm…
a poem 38 times for Elizabeth
photographic slide box, poem, paper
“Elizabeth Fleischmann-Ascheim died in 1905 from radiation burns. She was a pioneer in the field of X-ray technology. “American’s Joan of Arc.”
Yesterday, i had an MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) of my brain: with and without IV contrast - meaning the first part of the MRI didn’t use a contrast and about halfway through, i was pulled out of the tube and injected with the contrast solution - the contrast being “gad” which can be a shortened name for many things - i don’t remember what mine was: gadodiamide - some compound of gadolinium most likely. Gadolinium is a chemical element, Gd, number 64 in the periodic table. it’s compounds are the most popular for MRI imaging because of its paramagnetic properties.
The brain MRI last about 30 minutes and was one of the best sound pieces i have ever heard. its vibrations, its tapping, its high beeps, its low bass tones - they all came together in stereo and literally shook my body.
I was slid into the narrow tube with a cage over my face. i had to keep still. i had orange ear plugs in.
i have had multiple MRIs and this was the first one that had affixed a mirror to the face cage in such a position so i could see outside the tube - thus helping relax claustrophobic tendencies. I’m not particularly claustrophobic, but i do choose to close my eyes during these tests - it helps me hear the sound better.
I had to fast before the MRI - no food or drink - i forgot to take my medicine yesterday because of that, since i always take it in the morning.
I did take my medicine today, though, the morning of my EEG (electroencephalography). You are allowed to eat and drink in the morning, but nothing with caffeine.
In the examination room, wires and electrodes were attached to my scalp and chest. The technician used a water-based glue so my hair didn’t get too awful and greasy afterwards - she did this because i was going on to work and school afterwards and didn’t want me to look bad. thank you technician!
The test lasted about an hour. I laid down on the bed and closed my eyes. Sometimes she asked me to open my eyes. sometimes it was dark. sometimes the strobe light above me would flash - during this time, i was asked to open and class my eyes. sometimes she would ask me questions like: what day is it? who is our current president? count back from 37 out loud, and etc.
Then, she turned off the light, gave me a freshly warmed blanket and i was able to nap for about a half hour - it was great. i was so tired from having to wake up so early to get the test; this was a real treat.
She turned the lights on and told me the test was over. She then applied acetone to the wires/electrodes to unstick the glue; she combed my hair.
I left.
I now wait for my next rheumatologist appointment in a couple weeks to find out about the test results:
is it a seizure?
or a psychological disorder - depersonalization/derealization?
I don’t know which is worse? To find out that my brain works physiologically “normally” so this is a psychological disorder? Or, that my brain is physiologically malfunctioning, and that i am not a psychopath, losing sanity?
i realize that i haven’t been posting much, or at all. hold on folks, more is on the way…soon…i hope.
the idea of the blog stems from a personal place - my own experiences of times of health and illness - hence the title… so, right now, i have been going through a period of health issues. i’m supposed to slow down with everything that i am doing and am told to eliminate things in my life that create more stress which in turn create more intensive health situations. i realize that this blog, then, has taken sort of a backseat position.
it is difficult to explain the daily stresses and pressures of living with an autoimmune disease - or, actually maybe it’s one, but maybe it’s fibromyalgia which isn’t actually an autoimmune disease - ok, let’s just say it’s hard to live while being named as “undifferentiated” - my current “diagnosis.”
Do our diagnoses lock us into certain positions and futures as Petra Kuppers, faculty in the English Department at U of Michigan, claims in her book the scar of visibility: medical performances and contemporary art? Or, does a diagnosis relieve us of insecurities and help us move on, thus creating a path of healing for ourselves? This is an especially pertinent question for those of us who experience diseases that were once labeled as psychosomatic.
We question our bodies’ experiences - is this real? is this made up? Is there a label for this? We cling desperately to the knowledge imbibed through our body’s pain and sensations, telling ourselves that this is real.
A slice of the Visible Woman. She was revealed in 1995 - the Visible Man was revealed in 1994. The Visible Man and Woman are part of the National Library of Medicine’s Visible Human Project. This project seeks to present the body much like an encyclopedia. The body is preserved, sliced, documented, and presented to the body as an educational tool.
In this image, we see the Visible Woman as a slice in a block of ice.
Looking at this image, I question what does it mean to be visible? What does it require for the body’s insides to be understood? Must there be an intrusion as violent as this to understand how the body works? where disease is located? if a particular body is normal or not?
How are our current methods of medical imaging similar or dissimilar to this slice?
Visit this link and listen to the short audio track about Elizabeth Fleischmann-Ascheim - the first woman radiologist who we have all somehow forgotten.
